


Unacceptable in the Eighties

by salamandelbrot



Category: Hoodslam, Professional Wrestling, Southpaw Regional Wrestling
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Kayfabe Compliant, M/M, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 07:32:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11824014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salamandelbrot/pseuds/salamandelbrot
Summary: Time travel disaster strikes the Hoodslam roster.





	Unacceptable in the Eighties

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beedekka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beedekka/gifts).



> Happy Extreme Deadlines! I really, really hope you enjoy!
> 
>  ~~(Attempting anonymity until reveals with all the skill of Bo Dallas in NXT!)~~ Ha, looks like we're not doing that. I feel mildly silly. :p

From: dei420  
Re: invasion angle in late 80s territory?

there was this crazy angle i saw on local tv, just watching as a stoner college student before i was trading tapes or anything, and for whatever reason it always stuck with me. i don't even know what promotion it was but i was hoping someone might be able to identify it.

this would have been around 86 or maybe 87. i saw it on some uhf channel, i don't remember which one, but i was living in pasadena if that helps.

anyways, the main thing i remember was they showed highlights from a live event where i guess some kind of army of darkness / devastation inc type stable of weirdos was invading and their whole roster had to band together to fight reefer madness(?)

also there was a guy called sea beast that did an airplane spin, or maybe that was a different show.

does anyone else remember this?  


* * *

"Who," began Sheik, "let the motherfucking Stoner Brothers-" he snatched the Wrestlemania flier off the wall and waved Hogan and Andre at them accusingly "-touch the motherfucking time machine?"

Time displaced wrestlers shuffled their feet and looked aimlessly around.

"Don't worry about nothing," Rick Scott assured, "me and Scotty, we set Doc's machine to take us all home automatically. We're fucking time tourists, man. We'll go on a bitchin' road trip, check out the territories and shit, smoke up with cool as shit dead wrestlers like fucking Iron Sheik-"

"He's fucking alive!"

"and fucking Hacksaw - HO-OOOOO!"

"Also alive."

"And, like, Gangrel-"

"You wrestled him last- Fuck it. I don't care." Sheik threw up his hands. "I just don't even care. I can get a job here, good fucking luck to the rest of you dumb bastards."

Broseph, mentally comparing the number of wrestling Sheiks in the eighties to the number of wrestling Brosephs asked, "When exactly did you set it to bring us home?" 

Scott Rick beamed with pride. "Fuckin' leap year, man, February 29, coolest day of 1987." 

It took a moment for the true extent of Scott Rick's mathematical genius to sink in.

Brian exploded. "That's not a real day, you stupid motherfucker! Fuck!" He punched the brick wall like it owed him money. "Ow! Shit! Now what the fuck are we gonna do?"

"I've got an idea," said Missy Hyashit, tapping her lip in solemn consideration. "First, we rent a van and drive to Minnesota." Brian nodded raptly. "Then we put some money in a bank account for the Midnight Rockers," she continued, voice rising in volume, "to pay for tag team counselling, so they never break up, and you never get trained and never murder Butternuts, you one-eyed, dickless monster!"

Quick as a hiccough, she lunged at him. Brian's reply was largely unintelligible with Missy fishhooking the shit out of him.

Then Paul London threw a kick at Scott Rick and everything just got out of hand.

"Stop it, everyone!" shouted Doc Atrocity over the din. "Temporal paradoxes never solved anything!"

"He's right!" Broseph spit out a tooth - not even _his_ tooth, just _a_ tooth, this brawl was getting _nasty_ \- and grimaced. "I hate to admit it, but Doc's right. We're in this together." Reluctantly, he extended a hand to the monster who'd taken his pony friend's life. "Truce?"

"Truce," Brian agreed, grudgingly.

"Now, does anyone have any goddamn idea how the fuck we're going to get home on leap year which is, in case any of you stoned fucks forgot already, not a real fucking day?"

Scott Rick extracted himself from El Chupacabra's spiney embrace and raised his hand.

"What if we _made_ it a real day? Fucking think about it, days aren't even real, man, they're like money and shit. It's just a piece of paper - why would anyone trade good weed for a piece of paper with some dead asshole's face on it? But people do. 'Cause if people _believe_ it's money, then it's money, man."

These philosophical musings were greeted by hollow-eyed stares.

"We just gotta make enough people believe in February 29, 1987, man, and then it'll be fucking real."

"Does anyone have an idea that's _not_ fucking stupid as shit? Anyone?" Broseph looked from wrestler to wrestler. "Well, I guess we're going with Scott Rick's dumb bullshit then." 

Paul buried his face in his hands. "Jesus H. Maryfucking Christ, we're so fucked."

* * *

Re: Re: invasion angle in late 80s territory?  
From: acceptablehat

Might be Southpaw Regional Wrestling? SRW was on their last legs at the time but they did run an invasion angle on their Lethal Leap year supercard. (Which ran on March 1, 1987. Yeah. SRW was kind of going off the rails at that point.)

Sad to say there's not much footage out there, but from the things fans who watched at the time have said they started trying some really ahead of their time stuff near the end.

* * *

Unlike everyone's new best friend, Drugz Bunny, Broseph Joe Brody was not finding himself welcomed to Southpaw Regional Wrestling with open arms and nostrils.

"We're here to save your fucking show! Nobody is going to give a shit about bunch of drunk assholes they never heard of showing up to have matches-

"Your friend is crazier than me," Christian Joy informed Drugz Bunny, fidgeting with her straw.

Broseph ignored them and ploughed ahead. "-but a bunch of drunk assholes coming to take over will get people fired the fuck up!"

"Mr. Broseph," protested Lance, "when I was an anchor, you wouldn't see me fabricating salacious news stories to entice the people of Utica. The fans tune in to see athletic competition."

"Fuck the fans! Look, we've never done anything like this either, but these are desperate fucking times, man."

"So you want us to _make up stories_ , like the conspiracy theorists say?"

"Exactly like that. Wooo, the truth is out there, Dave, the lizard people are fixing pro wrestling. Except this time _we're_ the lizard people and _we're_ fixing the wrestling."

The Sea Creature roared, possibly in solidarity with his scaly lizard bretheren, or so Broseph chose to interpret it.

"Now here's what we're gonna do...."

* * *

Re: Re: Re: invasion angle in late 80s territory?  
From: boydBobski

So glad to hear someone still remembers Southpaw. My uncle Clint used to do the ring announcing there for years and boy does he have a lot of stories.

I believe I was actually at the show you mention, or at least part of it before my parents decided it was getting a little too colorful and took me home. I remember there was a problem with the mat where several wrestlers slipped and fell. Uncle Clint said maybe someone threw a drink, I don't remember seeing it though.

* * *

"Man, come on, my dick is so hard I could suplex you with it right now and-" Paul broke off. Brian was shaking his head and making cutting gestures at him. "What?" 

He looked around and saw a little kid holding an autograph book and staring at them with huge saucer eyes. Probably snuck in early to get Johnson John's autograph or whatever.

Paul sighed and knelt down.

"Hey there, little buddy, what's your name?"

"Joey."

"Well, Joey, do you know what time it is?"

Little Joey shook his head.

"It's time for you to get the fuck out of here. Here's-" he felt in his pocket, meaning to give the kid a buck to buy some Super Fucking Serious '80s Coke or whatever it was kids did, but all he found was lint. "-aw, fuck it. Get Chett Chetterfield to breathe on you, that'll get you good and fucked up. Go on, fuck off."

Little Joey fled.

"Good fucking riddance," muttered Paul. "Now, c'mere. What did you even get it reattached for if we aren't gonna fuck on a grody, eighties wrestling mat?"

Conceding the point, Brian kissed him. 

* * *

Re: Re: Re: Re: invasion angle in late 80s territory?  
From: dei420

thank you guys so much! boyd, i really appreciate you getting in touch and would love to hear your uncle's stories. i still remember his suit thirty years later - psychadelic paisley!!

don't think i saw a drink thrown either, it seemed like the crowd started out pretty dead and only got hot later on.  


* * *

Chadd 2 Bad snuffled at Drugz Bunny's compact. "Damn, that's good. Drugz Bunny, you're the best. Hey, you wanna see the worst thing in the world?"

Bouncing restlessly on the balls of his feet, Drugz Bunny giggled. "I've seen some things. Lots of things." 

"This is the worst one. Fucking swear to God. See that lady in the front row? That's Miss Dahlia. Bitch is older than God, no one even _knows_ how long she's been coming to shows. Stabbed me with a knitting needle once. Tex Ferguson bailed her out of jail because he's a piece of shit."

Tex hobbled to the ring and the crowd went mild. Not even Miss Dahlia bothered to cheer.

"That's the worst thing. The very worst."

As Drugz Bunny considered this statement, Tex began the laborious task of entering the ring. As Tex climbed through the ropes, his crutch slipped in a mysterious puddle on the canvas and he toppled onto the wet spot with a sticky splat.

Lethal Leap Year was off to an auspicious start, no doubt.

* * *

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: invasion angle in late 80s territory?  
From: boydBobski

dei420, Uncle Clint will be tickled, he always loves it when fans remember his suits. 

I will see if I can get him to tell any stories for the board. Now you bring Lethal Leap Year up, I'd really love to know how the show ended. I never did get to see it.

* * *

"He's got him up for the ride! The Big Bartholemew Bomb!" boomed Lance Catamaran. "Tonight, before this capacity crowd, Drugz Bunny is going to learn to Just Say No!"

Just as it seemed Drugz Bunny's fate must be sealed, a green blur darted out of the crowd, latching himself to Bart's back like Bart was a delicious bag of goat-blood.

Big Bart staggered under the combined weight of rabbit and Mexican werewolf. 

"Well, Chett, it looks like Big Bartholemew may be- but what's this?"

Broseph jumped to his feet. "From under the fucking ring! Holy shit, that's the fucking Sea Creature!"

Leaping into the ring, the mighty Sea Creature yanked El Chupacabra off Big Bart's back and pressed him high above his scaly head. 

Moved by the sight of Man and Sea Creature uniting against their common foes, Miss Dahlia rose to her feet. 

"You get him, Sea Creature!"

Sea Creature turned to her, the first human fan to ever support him. A single tear rolled down his scaly cheek.

Other voices rose from the crowd.

"Go Sea Creature!"

"You can do it!"

"You're my favorite cryptid, Sea Creature!"

Bouyed by the strength of the literally dozens of fans in attendance, Sea Creature spun, whipping El Chupacabra through the air with dizzying speed.

"Lethal Leap Year!" _Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap._  
"Lethal Leap Year!" _Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap._

The chant rose to as deafening a roar as any seventy three fans could produce.

"Oh god," moaned Chett, laying his head on the desk and groping for an aspirin. 

"Our broadcast colleague, Broseph Joe Brody, appears to be... rapidly fading out of our reality. Broseph, if you don't mind me saying so you are positively translucent at this moment."

"That's right, Lance. Time travel tragedy has been averted here in the VFW Bingotorium, ladies and gentlemen," said Broseph. "We're going home! Bye, fuckers!"

Inside the ring, Big Bart turned teary eyes up at the semi-corporeal humanoid rabbit perched on his shoulders - the humanoid rabbit who, in his brief time in the nineteen eighties, had found his way into the hearts and future heart health risk factors of so many of the SRW wrestlers. 

"Will we ever see you again, Mr. Drugz Bunny?"

"Only if you live to be old as fu-"

"-uck!" Drugz Bunny finished his sentence in the next millenium. "Aw, shit. I was just starting to like those fuckers."

* * *

### 

#  **Southpaw Times**

##  _Treponema cuniculi_ Outbreak Sweeping Local Old As Fuck Wrestlers' Retirement Community 

###  "Everybody stop doing coke and fucking rabbits," public health officials advise. 


End file.
